Lost in translation

Like millions of Americans you probably have received a letter like this (see below) from your health insurance provider (for both individual or group plans). As the farmer said to the pigs about to be slaughtered, “We’re going to be transitioning you to an environment free of worldly concerns.” Reading between the lines can often be critical to our own well-being, therefore, in that vein I shall endeavor to offer a translation of the following:

 Dear Subscriber:

The federal Affordable Care Act (“ACA”) has been changing how Americans get their health care coverage. The next big step begins in 2014. For many individuals like you with coverage through their employers, it includes important changes to coverage.

 ACA requires us to make significant changes to our health benefit plan designs. We have redesigned our entire employer portfolio to include new health benefit plans that comply with 2014 ACA requirements.

 There is nothing for you to do at this time. Your employer’s existing policy will continue until your next renewal. We are unable to renew your employer’s existing plan in 2014, but your employer can purchase any of our new plans with the 2014 ACA requirements for your coverage.

 We value you as a member and look forward to a long-standing relationship with you.


Health Insurance Company


Dear person-now-required-to-buy-our-product-under-penalty-of-law,

Obamacare has transformed a government manipulated healthcare market into a government controlled healthcare market. Unadulterated fascism rears its ugly head once again in America in 2014 (fascism = state control of a putative private market). For those of you who already get insurance through your employer, the paltry level of choice you used to have will be whittled down to next to nothing.

Obamacare requires us to add on coverage options we formerly begged you to buy but now you are forced to buy, therefore we have the perfect excuse to inflate premiums as high as possible. Apparently Nancy Pelosi thinks you are too stupid to make your own decisions when it comes to buying health insurance, therefore she has empowered bureaucrats to make those decisions for you. Do not fret gentle citizen; you will be well cared for in Obama’s gentle bosom.

You are helpless to avoid this, so sit back and enjoy the ride. You have a few months left to see your doctor before multi-hour waiting room camp-outs and month long waiting lists for medical procedures turn the US into Canada 2.0. We are unable to renew your employer’s existing plan in 2014, but that’s just fine with us because we’re content to get in bed with the government and be more tightly regulated if it means we will be guaranteed a steady stream of customers and profit. Crony capitalism and fascism is what made this country great after all!

We value you as our cash cow and look forward to milking this relationship for all its worth until either the federal government collapses under its own weight or the American public becomes so irate that they finally elect people that will remove all government influences from the medical market so that prices can naturally fall until medical insurance is no more costly than auto-insurance.


Health Insurance Company (a wholly owned subsidiary of the Federal Government, Inc.)